In The Deep Recesses Of My Mind

As I walk through the hoops and valleys of my mind I see the childhood home that I love so dearly. My stuffed animals all line up perfectly in a row on my bed. My room is illuminated by the bright summer sun.

My mother in the kitchen with the TV on watching Oprah and sucking her teeth at the TV. She calls to me and tells me to come and watch her cook. Tells me that it is important for me to know how to take of myself as an adult. How I need to learn how to cook for my husband.

I sigh.

The image fades and I'm in a field and its dark outside. I continue to walk as the grass turns into a cobblestone walkway the sun slowly rises. There's a river flowing beautiful koi fish swim around. I want to be them. They seem so carefree. Beautiful and carefree.

I wish I could be beautiful.

I’m standing on a frozen lake and I look down and see my face. The curve of my lips the shape of my nose, my eyes. I hate it all I don’t want this face. This face is a heavy burden the lake cracks underneath me and suddenly I'm submerged underwater.

I love it here. The silence. Sinking down down down. I want to stay down here forever, the cold darkness is something that I am familiar with. I struggle to breathe but that’s ok I don’t need this breath anyway. And then there’s a door I walked through and suddenly I'm in a beautiful mansion canopy bed and gorgeous furniture surrounds me. I look in the mirror and scream.

I hate this face I punch the mirror and pick up a shard. I take it across my face.

I look much better.

Someone calls me from the other side of the mansion. I am struck with fear I don’t move. I don’t want them to come near me I hide in the closet and stay quiet as possible.

“Excuse me?”

I little in a red dress looks at me with big brown eyes. Her hair in pigtails with hair bobbles on each ponytail.

“ Where is my mommy?”

My heart starts to break “ I don’t know” Suddenly she starts crying. Then I start crying faces wet with tears we call out to our mother over and over and over.

But no one notices or asks how we are.